Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Have Been Changed

I feel that certain things happen to certain people for certain reasons. However, I can't fathom why something like this had to happen to me. It doesn't make any sense as I see all of these people getting to enjoy the foods and drinks they want without consequence but if I start doing that again, I would surely die or come very close again.

This is one of the many facets of why I have changed. I wish I could say I have changed for the better, but I cannot. I have become less jovial, more serious, angry and bitter, and depressed as well. I haven't let many people in on the depression because I definitely don't want to have to take more meds.

unfortunately, the anger and bitterness I have no control over, so more people see that than I intend, and people are starting to think I'm mean.

I hate to say it, but I can live with people thinking I'm mean. Some people do no matter what I try and how nice I try to be. So I say screw em.

I don't want to be this way, but I have no idea of how to reclaim the person I was before this all happened. I feel empty inside and don't know how to refill the hole again. I also feel like I'm losing the one person in the world I can't do without. The rift between her and myself is becoming clearer to me all the time, and I seem powerless to stop it from happening. I'm even to the point that sometimes I think she may be better off without me, because I'm nothing but a burden to her and I am holding her back from living the kind of life she wants.

I am starting to hate the person I have become, and I fear it may get much worse as time goes on unless I find a way to stop it.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Stop Me Before I Kill........Myself!!!

I thought the pain and depression and agony of my hospital stay would be the most agonizing part of the healing process. I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong.

The hardest part is what I'm trying to do now. I am trying to change my diet and eating habits so I don't end up back in the hospital or dead.

I'm supposed to be on a pretty strict diet plan, only taking in 1700 cals a day and 195 grams of carbs.

I'm growing weaker and am going back to eating the bad stuff almost on a daily basis. I hate that, but I have no willpower to tell myself to stop doing it. I don't exercise like I should either.

One thing I have been consistently good at is the drinks. I have not had anything that was not diet and sugar free since I went in. I'm proud of that, but I want the food thing too. I want to be able to get over this plateau and finally stop eating all of the junk and eat the way I need to.

I'll keep everyone appraised of my situation. Wish me well in this endeavor because my will is one thing I have not ever tried to fight against, and the battle will be difficult!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

It's Been Awhile Part 2

Ok, so last I left off, I had been sent home from the hospital with no pain meds, and I had scheduled an appointment with my doctor for the very next day.

I went in and they sat me up on the little table and took my blood pressure and heart know, all of those good things. Then the doctor walked in with my charts and told me that he was putting me back into the hospital. He said I should have not been released yet, and that my condition was not finished creating chaos in my life.

This time I was admitted to the hospital right next to the docs office, and I stayed there until October 30th. The room was much more extravagant than the one I had previously at the other hospital, with lots of room, a better bed, and a nice HD TV...not a big one, but still nice :)

I also had a wifi connection there, but couldn't get online much because I would get nauseated looking at the screen due to the sheer amount of drugs I was on.

After a couple of days, I had been getting almost daily visits from 3 doctors. They drew labs and had CT scans done to me, and let me know that the reason I was there was because my pancreas had decided to start eating itself, as the triglycerides were so high and had no place to go. I lost a little over a third of my pancreas. They said in order to get it to stop, they fist had to get my levels down to a manageable level. Unfortunately for me, the only way to do that was to connect a PICC line to me and feed me TPN via a feeding tube. That also meant that I didn't get to eat any "real" food during this time either. They kept me there and I dealt with the ups and downs of being in that place...It would be ok when I had visitors, but the times when I was all by myself in that room led to deep bouts of depression.

I wanted out and I wanted off of that stupid bag too. But it wasn't time for that yet. By the time October 30th came around, I did whatever I had to do to get them to let me go home that evening. Redneckgirl had gone and learned how to use the pump for a portable TPN bag as well as the steps to change it every day. I gotta say, she would be not only an awesome nurse, but a smokin' hot one as well!

I lived on nothing but the bag until a few days before Thanksgiving, when one of my docs said I could start trying real food again. Soon after that, I was off of the bag, and trying to regain my stamina back.

During the whole ordeal I had lost 21 lbs and my muscles atrophied badly. One of my TPN nurses said I had the body of a 70 year old man, and that it would take awhile to get it back to where it should be. I'm still actively dealing with that aspect. I don't have the stamina yet that I used to, but it is getting better.

As you can see, it has been a hard road and an even harder thing to accept that I am not invincible or bulletproof; that I can be hurt just like anyone else. Dealing with that fact on a day to day basis is hard to do, but I am learning, and I'll keep posting about what's going on.

Monday, January 11, 2010

It's Been Awhile Part 1

Oh it really has, and so much has happened since then. Mainly, just a little over a month after I posted my last post, I almost died.

I thought that might grab your attention. That's right, I said died.

On October 9th, I worked my last day of work for what was to be a weeks vacation. Little did I know that I would not be returning to my desk until the beginning of January.

Redneckgirl and I started our vacation nice and early, and we drove out to Belterra Casino for her birthday, in order to spend some time gambling a bit and some quality alone time away from real life. We stayed there until October 13th, and she got her "amazing" gift from the casino before we left....a!

We drove home and enjoyed a night alone together. Nights like those are hard to come by with children and family all over the place, so we enjoyed them when we had the chance to.

On the morning of the 14th, we got up early and had breakfast at McDonalds. I had a large coke and a sausage biscuit. I remember this so well because it was the last food I would eat for at least 45 days.

Around 10:30, I started having severe stomach pains, so bad that I was doubled over with tears in my eyes. Redneckgirl suggested that I go to the ER, but I told her that I would take a pain pill and try to sleep. On a side note, if I "had" done that, I would most definitely be dead.

In less than 10 minutes, I agreed to go to the ER because the pain was increasing. We walked in the doors and they immediately got started working me in because they thought I was having a heart attack. I told them as much as I could, but I remeber that all the questions seemed stupid. Of course, I didn't realize the seriousness of the situation.

They got me into a room and shot me full of morphine. What I remember of the room was a tiny place with 1 or 2 chairs and a tv hanging on the wall, as well as a bathroom. Most of my time in this room were my darkest hours. Redneckgirl barely left my side as she was scared to death that this was the end for me, and she wanted to be there in the event that it was. She sat and read her Twilight books for the first 4 days I was there. Those days were mostly getting a morphine shot, then sleeping until the pain woke me up again. I hardly spoke a word during those few days, and I honestly think that everyone expected the worst from my situation.

The fifth day was surgery day. They were going to remove my gall bladder because they thought that was what had caused my pain.

When I walked in and after they took my labs, they said my blood sugar was extremely high, and that taking my blood was like getting pudding into a tube....I know...kinda gross right?

They also made me aware of my high blood pressure, which was through the roof due to the pain, and high cholesterol, especially my triglycerides. Now, I don't want everyone to go look to see what it all means right now, but a person who has high triglycerides has a level of about 200 to 250. Mine was 12,000. I haven't heard so many shocked people in my life when they would hear of or read that. Needless to say, I am now a case study for doctors. According to a few doctors I have spoken with, they said that when you walk into a hospital in that much pain, and with levels that high, usually you don't walk out.

Getting back to the surgery, I had some gall stones and they thought that had caused my pancreatitis. They took the gall bladder out and sent me home the next morning. Six days in the hospital for all that, and I was still in pain, and hadn't eaten anything except liquids. That's all they would let me have. Clear liquid diets suck by the way!

On the day of my release, I find that they sent me home with some prescriptions, but no pain medication. I immediately called my family doctor and scheduled an appointment for the next day to get some pain meds.