I Have Been Changed

I feel that certain things happen to certain people for certain reasons. However, I can't fathom why something like this had to happen to me. It doesn't make any sense as I see all of these people getting to enjoy the foods and drinks they want without consequence but if I start doing that again, I would surely die or come very close again.

This is one of the many facets of why I have changed. I wish I could say I have changed for the better, but I cannot. I have become less jovial, more serious, angry and bitter, and depressed as well. I haven't let many people in on the depression because I definitely don't want to have to take more meds.

unfortunately, the anger and bitterness I have no control over, so more people see that than I intend, and people are starting to think I'm mean.

I hate to say it, but I can live with people thinking I'm mean. Some people do no matter what I try and how nice I try to be. So I say screw em.

I don't want to be this way, but I have no idea of how to reclaim the person I was before this all happened. I feel empty inside and don't know how to refill the hole again. I also feel like I'm losing the one person in the world I can't do without. The rift between her and myself is becoming clearer to me all the time, and I seem powerless to stop it from happening. I'm even to the point that sometimes I think she may be better off without me, because I'm nothing but a burden to her and I am holding her back from living the kind of life she wants.

I am starting to hate the person I have become, and I fear it may get much worse as time goes on unless I find a way to stop it.