I was a different man before October 14th of last year. I was more of a carefree soul. I used to love life and enjoy it every day that I could.
Now that has all changed.
I am aware of the changes in me, and my increasingly deteriorating life, health, and mental capacity. I don't know how to stop what I am starting to feel is the inevitable.
Now I am always depressed. Mainly it is because I have new sets of limitations the most definitely know when I'm pushing the envelope. These physical limitations has affected my state of mind as well.
Things that I used to do playfully just come off as annoying now. It isn't who I used to be.
I feel like my whole life is starting to fall apart, and I can do nothing but sit and watch as it slowly drains away.
I feel like I'm losing the love of my life too, which is very depressing. Things have happened in our relationship that may have caused damage beyond repairing, even though we will both probably fight as hard as we can to make things work out.
I hope it isn't too late.
I can feel her slipping away from me, and our line of communication isn't what it once was. I see her face from day to day, and even though she puts on her best happy smile, her eyes tell me a different story. I may have hurt her too badly. She means so much to me, but I know she doesn't feel like she does. I think she may be questioning why she stays in this relationship with me, but I know she loves me. I used to be a different guy for her. I used to romance her, I used to go out of my way to make sure she had a great time and was happy. I think she doesn't believe anything I tell her. I think she questions my love for her.
I hope I'm wrong, but I fear I'm not.
I have a much shorter fuse than I have ever had before. I snap at and get annoyed by the smallest of things. She teases me and calls me the "get off my lawn guy", but it really isn't a joke...it's becoming reality.
I have severe road rage, and I don't like that, however justified it may be.
I feel as though I am slowly losing my sanity. What little bit I ever had. I feel like my mind is being pulled in so many directions, and soon it's going to tear itself into shreds.
My finances are at rock bottom. I have about 3 lawsuits against me right now for money I don't have and can't afford to give. I never used to worry about money, but recently, it has become so much more important, and I can't figure out how or why.
My family life isshot as well. My relationship with my mother has become better, and it is taxing because I don't know if it did because I take her to work every night, or because it really was meant to get better. I love talking to one of my sisters and even hanging out with her from time to time. Not so much with my other sister. I am not talking to her, nor do I feel like having any kind of involvement with her.
Work is work. That is actually one part of my life I feel is improving. I finally got a good schedule and I'm matching everyone else in my department in pay.
My immune system has probably suffered the most. I always have stomach aches from and back pains as well. With my immunity being so low, I have been catching colds and viruses much easier than I used to. I have also been on some sort of pain medication since the day I went into the hospital.
I hate the fact that I have become this way. I can't stand myself anymore, and many times I just wish that it would all just end so I don't have to live with myself anymore. All because I don't know how to get myself back.