For My Love

I know that I don't always tell you, or show you how much I love you. I know that lately, ever since my pancreatitis took place, that I have become incredibly moody, mean, and downright hard to deal with on the worst of days.

I do want you to know that I love you more than my words could ever say. Your happiness means the world to me every day, even if I don't have the ability to show it much due to the various pains I'm going through.

You know that literally, without you, I would have already been dead. Deny it all you want, you know that if I would have taken that pain pill that day and laid down, I would not have gotten back up.

I hope you know that I can't live without you. You mean so much to me. My life without you would be a very cold and lonely existence.

I may be rambling a bit now, but I don't care. I love you, and live for you. You are what makes the sun shine in my world, and you make a moonlit night romantic.

I love you with all my heart!

Anger, Fear, and Depression

I was a different man before October 14th of last year. I was more of a carefree soul. I used to love life and enjoy it every day that I could.


Now that has all changed.

I am aware of the changes in me, and my increasingly deteriorating life, health, and mental capacity. I don't know how to stop what I am starting to feel is the inevitable.

Now I am always depressed. Mainly it is because I have new sets of limitations the most definitely know when I'm pushing the envelope. These physical limitations has affected my state of mind as well.

Things that I used to do playfully just come off as annoying now. It isn't who I used to be.

I feel like my whole life is starting to fall apart, and I can do nothing but sit and watch as it slowly drains away.

I feel like I'm losing the love of my life too, which is very depressing. Things have happened in our relationship that may have caused damage beyond repairing, even though we will both probably fight as hard as we can to make things work out.

I hope it isn't too late.

I can feel her slipping away from me, and our line of communication isn't what it once was. I see her face from day to day, and even though she puts on her best happy smile, her eyes tell me a different story. I may have hurt her too badly. She means so much to me, but I know she doesn't feel like she does. I think she may be questioning why she stays in this relationship with me, but I know she loves me. I used to be a different guy for her. I used to romance her, I used to go out of my way to make sure she had a great time and was happy. I think she doesn't believe anything I tell her. I think she questions my love for her.

I hope I'm wrong, but I fear I'm not.

I have a much shorter fuse than I have ever had before. I snap at and get annoyed by the smallest of things. She teases me and calls me the "get off my lawn guy", but it really isn't a joke...it's becoming reality.

I have severe road rage, and I don't like that, however justified it may be.

I feel as though I am slowly losing my sanity. What little bit I ever had. I feel like my mind is being pulled in so many directions, and soon it's going to tear itself into shreds.

My finances are at rock bottom. I have about 3 lawsuits against me right now for money I don't have and can't afford to give. I never used to worry about money, but recently, it has become so much more important, and I can't figure out how or why.

My family life isshot as well. My relationship with my mother has become better, and it is taxing because I don't know if it did because I take her to work every night, or because it really was meant to get better. I love talking to one of my sisters and even hanging out with her from time to time. Not so much with my other sister. I am not talking to her, nor do I feel like having any kind of involvement with her.

Work is work. That is actually one part of my life I feel is improving. I finally got a good schedule and I'm matching everyone else in my department in pay.

My immune system has probably suffered the most. I always have stomach aches from and back pains as well. With my immunity being so low, I have been catching colds and viruses much easier than I used to. I have also been on some sort of pain medication since the day I went into the hospital.

I hate the fact that I have become this way. I can't stand myself anymore, and many times I just wish that it would all just end so I don't have to live with myself anymore. All because I don't know how to get myself back.

Sorry Folks

As much as I hate to do it, my blog has been inundated with spam comments so I have decided to add CAPTCHA back in for comments. I hate doing this, but it has gotten way out of hand this week.

An Open Letter To Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

While I do appreciate a good coating of snow on my town on occasion, I would like to lodge a formal complaint that this year you have gone well and beyond your usual snow accumulation, and I am officially presenting you with this cease and desist order.

Your continuous snowfall on this town has begun to impede daily operations more than usual.

Please quit sending snow here, as people in this town are mentally and physically incapable of driving in it, and the school system doesn't know when to stay open and when to shut down, and they usually get those mixed up and end up staying open when they should be closing, and closing when they should be open.

So, in closing, Mother Nature, I only have but two words for you concerning this recent onslaught of snow and the icy demeanor you've been sending our way...STOP IT!

To My Beautiful Redneckgirl

You know, ever since I laid eyes on you, I can undoubtedly say that I wanted you. I wanted you in ways I had never known before but I had to keep my distance. Back then, what I wanted was unobtainable, so I sat and admired from not so afar. My longing to know the real you continued to grow and grow, and we had to become friends after that. When we became friends, I realized that not only are you beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. This made me long for you even more. However, the timing still wasn't right, and by this point, I had not fallen head over heels in love with you, but it was coming, and it was going to hit me hard...much harder than anything I have ever known before it.

After a few years of wanting and not doing, things started going bad for you in your current relationship. I was there, for as much of it as I could be, and I tried everything to make it better. It killed me inside to see you with sad eyes. As a matter of fact, one of the things I love about you the most is your eyes. They radiate mystery, fun, and playfulness, except when they are sad. I've always felt as though I could unravel the mysteries in the universe by looking into your eyes long enough, but I never last long because passion takes over and I lose control.

Then we came to the point where we tried each other on for size, so to speak. However, you were still unsure about what it was that you wanted to do, and there was another small surprise. But after that time we spent together, my fate was sealed. I would always be tied to you, even if I couldn't be with you. I was in love...not for the first time, but I had never fallen this hard for anyone before. I thought I had experienced pain, but I knew nothing of it until the day I couldn't talk to you or hold you in my arms. Then real pain began.

Luckily, it didn't last too long, as I had a feeling that we were destined to be together, and you came back. You were cautious at first, not wanting to hurt me anymore, but soon, you gave over to what you really wanted, and that was me. Imagine my excitement when you decided we should try each other again, and for real this time.

That was one of the many happiest days of my existence. Another is when we went to see Gary Allan perform in Owensboro, and I asked you to officially go out with me, and you said yes!

The next would definitely have to be on May 28th, 2009, when we went to Juno Beach, FL. and I proposed on the beach. Never had I ever seen you so happy in my entire life. To be able to see that in your eyes justified what I wanted. I knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my entire life making you happy. Making you smile, and making you feel more loved than you have ever felt. I only hope I'm living up to that still.

The next best time wasn't really a best time for me, but it did show me your devotion to me. That was in October, when pancreatitis almost killed me. You stuck by my side, even though it looked like there was no chance that I was going to pull through, but you stayed. That was the strength I needed to actually fight harder to pull through. I'm very happy that you are so devoted to me.

You have made my life so much better, and in the process, have made me a better person, and a better man. I love you with my entire being and I think I would rather go without eating, oxygen, or sleeping rather than be without you.

I love you so very much.

Why Can't I Stop?

So here I am, diagnosed with all kinds of bad things that have the ability to kill me if I don't change my bad eating habits, yet, I still eat the same. Granted, I drink mostly water now and no sodas that are not diet and with no caffeine, but I still have the extreme weakness with my Chips and candy....especially the sweet stuff!

I know that my condition, as it is, can be irritated and I could be killed by the things I can't stop doing. So why do I continue? Do I have a death wish? Am I so weak that the simple though of candy and chips will drive me into a frenzy and I start to eat them like crazy? I really don't know, but the one thing I do know is that I need to stop. I need to find a way to give it all up once and for all. I need to just accept that I can't be like everyone else and eat like there is no tomorrow, because for me, it could be true. But How? How does one begin? I wish I knew how I could beat the one adversary that continues to plague me...myself.

Addendum

I have to say that there is one wonderful thing in my life that keeps me going and not just completely losing it 100%. That would be Brandy. She has a way of breathing life into me when I'm with her. She is the most passionate person I have ever met, and I could never imagine what life would be like without her. She is my absolute everything.

Even when we argue, it is just so heated and so passionate, that I just get turned on by it. That fact alone annoys her to death. She hates when we argue and I get that old familiar look in my eyes, and get this cheesy grin on my face. That's part of the magic of us, and believe me, we are a very magical couple.

While certain things have changed between us due to being around each other all the time, or circumstances that have changed us, we remain one with the other.

I love that about her.

She is most definitely my heart and possibly even my soul, and she is the most wonderful woman I have ever known.

I love her with all my heart and soul. Period.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I swear, if it isn't one thing then it's something else! I just wanna go out and yell to the world that I'm here, and come do with me what you will. I hate that I'm always sick, or feeling sick. I have begun to feel nauseated a lot more than ever, and my pain levels are starting to mount again.

I am not one for the slow and casual. If I need to be taken out, then do it and get it over with. If not, then stop messing with me. This slow recovery, if you can call it that, is tortuous. one day I'm feeling great, then the next week and a half I feel like crap.

Anyone wanna play Russian Roulette? I'll even take your shot.