My Past

I admit I have a past. I'm not proud of it at all. As a matter of fact, you could say that I have done some things I am downright ashamed of.

That is, until I met the Love of My Life. She refuses to take any kind of credit for helping me change the way I was, but it was because of her that I was able to change to begin with.

I guess I should explain a little.

I had broken up with my girlfriend about a year or so before we met, and I'll admit, at the time, it was devestating. However, the more I think about it, the happier I get, because I know it was what was best for me.

After the breakup, I went through a lot of phases, and many different moods. I was what you could call extremely promiscuous, and had sex with a lot of different people.

Once again, I am not proud of this. I feel that by doing that, I have actually degraded myself, and I regret that time in my life.


Then I met her, and saw how beautiful and fun loving she was, and I wanted that. I wanted that with her.

As the years went on, we bacame better friends, and soon our talks started becoming more and more personal. It was through those more personal talks that I fell in love with her, and she with me.

One day, everything snapped into place in my mind. I was in love with her, and for the first time in my life, I knew beyond a shadow of any doubt what I wanted.

Through these personal talks, she saved me from the darker side of myself that was threatening to take over. Once again, she won't lay claim to it, but she did. She made me feel like I could love again. I knew I didn't have to be the person everyone else saw when I was with her...that I could be who I really am, and she would not judge me adversly because of who I am.


I have so many insecurities and so much inner turmoil that sometimes it makes me do extremely dumb things. I have a fierce paranoia that threatens to take over at any given moment. I have very low self esteem, and many physical flaws as well.

I tell everyone I'm crazy, and what people don't know or understand is that I do believe that I am. People hear it and think I'm joking, but I feel it. In the back of my mind, it creeps up and gnaws at you a little bit, and I hate that feeling.

I hate that feeling more than anything I know.

The thing is, I am not 100% certifiable on any of these issues.

When I am with the Love of My Life, I am the person I like to be, and during that time, I do like me. She makes me feel the way I always wanted to feel. She is the only, and I do mean only person in my whole existence who has taken the time and effort to really get to know the real me.

She knows the struggles I have. She knows the pain I endure. She knows everything about me. She also knows how much I love her, and how much passion we share together. And how wonderful it feels.

I sit here now at work, with tears in my eyes, admitting this to the world because it is time. It is time to start healing, time to try to fix myself, time to let go of all the things I hate about me.

I am shaking because I truly am afraid. I am afraid that if I fail, that if I allow myself to fail, that I will lose the only thing that has meaning in my life.

I am truly happy to have her in my life, and I love her not only because of who she is or what she's done, but also because she's like an angel to me.

I know that romance and all the sweet things I say to and about her in my blog has lost me some readers, and I'm ok with that. I know drama gets more hits here than romance, and I don't care. I know that I love her unconditionally, and I would do anything for that love.

I hope you all had a wonderful day and night. Hopefully I didn't scare anyone too bad with such a serious post, but I needed to say these things.