My Past Redux

I have spoken a lot about my past but I don't think I've ever summed up just how bad it was.

Today's post from redneckgirl made mention of that, so I wanna share some of the more lurid details with you, and also how that part of me was changed completely.

Let's start by saying I've always been curious about sex, and always had an insatiable appetite for it. I still do.

I had had my fair share of relationships in the past, and in each one, there was some degree of sex involved. However, it wasn't until my ex fiancee left me that I became bad. I mean bad...like evil.

I didn't realize it now, but at that time, she had created in me a general hatred toward women, and an utter disregard for them in general.

I wanted them to hurt like I hurt. I wanted to get even.

After she left, I became what could only be known as the biggest male whore ever. I slept with women for the sake of sleeping with women. And I used almost every trick in the book to do so.

Keep in mind that I'm not bragging...I'm actually very ashamed of the things I did and the things I said in order to do what I did, but all I can do now is to tell my story with the purpose of higher education.

Basically, there were only a few things off limits in my quest. The things that were taught to me early on, which have always stuck with me:

1. Never say I Love You in order to get sex. It'll get you in the end.

2. No kissing.

3. Don't sleep with any one woman more than once.

Following these three rules got me a lot of questions and a lot of hassle from the opposite sex.

Now, to tell of my crimes against women.

Keep in mind that I wasn't in a good place, or even anything similar to one. I regret all I am about to tell here.

I have pretended to be deathly sick; ie, terminal, in order to get sex.

I have lied about my pay, job, or social status to get sex.

Out of all the women I was with, I was never there in the morning.

I can't remember the name of any of those women I slept with, and half the time didn't even bother to get their names.

Most times I wouldn't let them leave the lights on.

Many times I left while getting dressed.

I have used almost every line on women to get what I wanted.

Basically, I was bad...really bad.

Now for the important part of the story.

Near what I had no idea would be the end of this, I met redneckgirl. I saw something in her I hadn't seen in a long time. I saw the same thing in my ex fiancee, but redneckgirl had something more....more passion, more beauty (much much much more), more of everything that I wanted.

In the process of getting to know her, I started to want her. I didn't care who she was with, I wanted her. But fate was to deal me a different hand.

Before going further, let me say that from the first day we met, she and I have had that spark...that sexual tension....and we are both very passionate. This helped play out in the long run.

But for now, I wanted sex with her.

By the time I had let her know I was interested in her, I was nearing the end of my time being the way I was. It was getting boring. I was unfulfilled.

One day, we were sitting in her living room, and we had this moment, and we kissed.

That kiss told me what I already knew. It reaffirmed my want to be with her.

I will go on to say that I think she had things planned out this day because it happened to perfectly to be accidental.

We had kissed, and kissed again. I could feel the passion and that fire in her kiss and I returned as much as I had back.

I then went on further and tried to make my move. Again and again she destroyed my efforts by moving my hand, saying no, pushing me away, or repositioning her body.

Eventually I got the hint. I wasn't getting anything from her that day.

Within days, I was missing her. I couldn't believe it. I was missing her! I had not had any respect for a woman since "it" left me, and here I was missing...no, more....I was falling for this woman.

I was beside myself. I had thought I was lost to love, and here it comes flooding back into me like the dam had burst.

I told her I loved her. She didn't believe me. She knew of my past activities, and she said she would never end up as just another notch on my belt.

I have never told her, but I respect her for turning me away that day. I don't know if things would have been different today if she had not, but I'm glad she did.

Soon, I realized that we weren't going to be together, but I still tried to be with her. By this time, I had not touched another woman in a very long time, and I had no intention of going back to that.

I no longer wanted to only sleep with her....I wanted to "be" with her. I wanted all of her, not just the body!

I told her time and time again that I love her, and she would always blush and smile. She didn't believe me though, and I was unsure of how to prove my love for her.

We became more friends than anything in the coming months, which turned into years, and then one day I was told never to come back to her house...not by her. (details of this story will stay private unless she decides to comment on them)

I left and let her do what had to be done. I thought about her every day, and during the entire time she was gone, I never slept with another woman. I never even dated another woman. I thought about her all the time, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her out of my mind.

I was working at a video store when she came in one day a couple of years later. As soon as I saw her, I was hooked all over again. The floodgates had reopened. My breath was taken away by how beautiful she was.

She bought a movie for her sister, and I gave her my email address, just in case.

I tend to think that during our conversation at the store that she was gauging if I still had feelings for her or not.

She left and I didn't hear from her for a few days. Then I got an email. It was from her. We started a long email relationship that kept going through the period when we dated.

By this time, I was completely in love with her, and would do anything she asked me to do. I hadn't been with another woman in so long, and I was in love.

When we started dating, I had decided that if fate would let me, I would marry this woman. I still want to do that.

She had completely changed who I was as a person. She helped me find the way around my hatred, and showed me I could love again...more than I ever had loved before.

I have learned a lot from her over the years. I also learned she deserved better than what she was getting, and in that, voiced my opinion many many times.

We broke it off after almost a year of dating because of the things she had to do. I promised her that there would be no other women in my life, and I meant it. She thought I was crazy, and told me I should move on. I had come to a point that I couldn't see myself doing that. I only saw our future together.

I think to this day that she didn't believe I would wait for her, but I did.

I never tried to call, or to see her. I just....existed, and lived in the love we had. It was a very sad and difficult time n my life. I feel like in some way that it was part of my penance for doing what I did back then.

We started talking again recently, and we have grown even closer than before.

To think that when I started all this, I was full of hate, and definitely going down dangerous paths that could have had me maimed, hurt, or killed.

I can honestly say that the unconditional love of this one woman has saved the life of this one man...literally.

Because of that, because of her undying and unconditional love, I give my life, my heart, and everything I am to her.

Some people don't understand this. Some people think it's weird. I call it the kind of love most people wish they had.