My Father
I stated that I was having mixed feelings about this, but you really don't know what "this" is yet, so I'll fill you in.
Starting at the beginning, my mom got pregnant with me, her first time having sex, with some douchebag who was even lucky to get to breathe the same air as her. Some time later, I was born, and things appeared like they may be good.
One disclaimer....I don't actually remember the first events, so I'm going on what I've been told by both my mother and him.
Apparently they were happy for a time with me...not very long, and he decided to go out screwing around on my mother. Typical guy shit.
My mom left him, and I wasn't even 2 years old yet. Then she hooked up with someone else, and some time later, my first of 3 sisters were born.
We were living in South Dakota at the time, and my mom decided she would move us to Kentucky...best decision she ever made.
We moved when I was 4, and never looked back at South Dakota again.
I, however, was curious about my father.
Over time, I realized he wasn't coming. He wasn't going to be there. Ever.
I hated that feeling, and I still despise it to this day.
Was I sooo bad, such a burden to this man that he felt he didn't need to be near me? Was I so terrible that he didn't want me?
Over time, my wondering had grew into resentment, which grew into hatred, which grew into more hatred.
I could feel that he didn't want me...he didn't want to be a part of my life.
He never wrote, never called. I got nothing on Christmas, or Easter, or my birthday. My mom made up for this as best she could, but every year I heard nothing from him made me hate him even more.
So when I was 12 or 13, I devised a plan...a plan I'm still wondering if I'll ever carry out or not.
The plan, as it were, consists of me taking a trip to South Dakota, going to his house and beating the ever loving shit out of him, making sure to break 1 bone for each year of my life he missed.
I wanted it. I wanted it so badly I could taste it. I could taste it like you can taste the blood in your mouth after someone punches you in the mouth. And I liked that.
The plan changed accordingly to different things over the course of my life. It went from breaking bones to maiming, to torturing, then to killing completely. But I never did it....any of it.
I spoke with him on my 18th birthday. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look him up and call.
He knew who I was, and sounded happy to hear from me. He said he was sorry that he didn't try to call, or write, or be involved with me in any way. He said that even before we left town, he was moving on.
How could he do this to me? Why was I not good enough?
And what the fuck was sorry supposed to do to answer my questions or make me feel better?
That very brief conversation refueled the rage in me tenfold, and I wanted blood.
I almost left town that day, but something inside stopped me. Something told me if I went, I would most definitely regret it. So I didn't go. Instead, I put it on the back burner again, and just resumed life.
I got to speak with him again about 4 years ago. Once again, very short conversation, but I wanted answers. I think I'm entitled to some answers from this guy. As per usual, I was left with none.
By then I had met redneckgirl, and she convinced me that he wasn't worth the effort, that it didn't matter because I have people down here with me who love me.
That seemed to help ease things a bit. Actually, that seemed to ease things a lot in my mind. I decided to not ever call him again, seeing as how he has never, ever called me.
I also abandoned the plan. Life seemed to be getting better having that burden away from these shoulders.
I was perfectly fine for 4 years. Then tonight happened.
I don't know what triggered it, but suddenly, all my rage for him, all my emotions came rushing back, and I wanted blood again.
I have talked myself out of it for now. I have calmed myself to a point to where I feel like I can and should blog about it, and get it out there.
I do feel a little better, but still bitter right now. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I write certain parts of this, because even though it happened a lifetime ago, it doesn't hurt any less now, knowing that he had a chance...he could have known me and how good a person I've become, and seen how good I am with computers and other things, but he passed that chance up. "He" decided I wasn't worth it.
Fuck him! Fuck him up his ass!
He can burn in hell for all I care, and if I'm ever there with him, I'm stoking the fire even hotter, even if I get burned more in the process.
As of this writing, I only have 2 memories of my father, both of them phone conversations. I have no recollection of ever having seen him, although I know I have. I was way too young to remember though.
I have no idea what he looks like or anything, and I can't even remember how he sounds.
I hate to ramble on like this, but tonight has been a bad father kind of night. One that makes a kid plan out devious schemes to get even...for justice to be served. For him to get his just rewards.
I don't know how to end this post. I feel a little better about it all, but I'm still furious at both him and myself. Him for the obvious, and myself for allowing these thoughts to once again enter my mind and permeate my being.
I guess I'll end it by telling you all to have a great weekend, and that I'll post again soon.
How does that sound?
Starting at the beginning, my mom got pregnant with me, her first time having sex, with some douchebag who was even lucky to get to breathe the same air as her. Some time later, I was born, and things appeared like they may be good.
One disclaimer....I don't actually remember the first events, so I'm going on what I've been told by both my mother and him.
Apparently they were happy for a time with me...not very long, and he decided to go out screwing around on my mother. Typical guy shit.
My mom left him, and I wasn't even 2 years old yet. Then she hooked up with someone else, and some time later, my first of 3 sisters were born.
We were living in South Dakota at the time, and my mom decided she would move us to Kentucky...best decision she ever made.
We moved when I was 4, and never looked back at South Dakota again.
I, however, was curious about my father.
Over time, I realized he wasn't coming. He wasn't going to be there. Ever.
I hated that feeling, and I still despise it to this day.
Was I sooo bad, such a burden to this man that he felt he didn't need to be near me? Was I so terrible that he didn't want me?
Over time, my wondering had grew into resentment, which grew into hatred, which grew into more hatred.
I could feel that he didn't want me...he didn't want to be a part of my life.
He never wrote, never called. I got nothing on Christmas, or Easter, or my birthday. My mom made up for this as best she could, but every year I heard nothing from him made me hate him even more.
So when I was 12 or 13, I devised a plan...a plan I'm still wondering if I'll ever carry out or not.
The plan, as it were, consists of me taking a trip to South Dakota, going to his house and beating the ever loving shit out of him, making sure to break 1 bone for each year of my life he missed.
I wanted it. I wanted it so badly I could taste it. I could taste it like you can taste the blood in your mouth after someone punches you in the mouth. And I liked that.
The plan changed accordingly to different things over the course of my life. It went from breaking bones to maiming, to torturing, then to killing completely. But I never did it....any of it.
I spoke with him on my 18th birthday. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look him up and call.
He knew who I was, and sounded happy to hear from me. He said he was sorry that he didn't try to call, or write, or be involved with me in any way. He said that even before we left town, he was moving on.
How could he do this to me? Why was I not good enough?
And what the fuck was sorry supposed to do to answer my questions or make me feel better?
That very brief conversation refueled the rage in me tenfold, and I wanted blood.
I almost left town that day, but something inside stopped me. Something told me if I went, I would most definitely regret it. So I didn't go. Instead, I put it on the back burner again, and just resumed life.
I got to speak with him again about 4 years ago. Once again, very short conversation, but I wanted answers. I think I'm entitled to some answers from this guy. As per usual, I was left with none.
By then I had met redneckgirl, and she convinced me that he wasn't worth the effort, that it didn't matter because I have people down here with me who love me.
That seemed to help ease things a bit. Actually, that seemed to ease things a lot in my mind. I decided to not ever call him again, seeing as how he has never, ever called me.
I also abandoned the plan. Life seemed to be getting better having that burden away from these shoulders.
I was perfectly fine for 4 years. Then tonight happened.
I don't know what triggered it, but suddenly, all my rage for him, all my emotions came rushing back, and I wanted blood again.
I have talked myself out of it for now. I have calmed myself to a point to where I feel like I can and should blog about it, and get it out there.
I do feel a little better, but still bitter right now. I have tears welling up in my eyes as I write certain parts of this, because even though it happened a lifetime ago, it doesn't hurt any less now, knowing that he had a chance...he could have known me and how good a person I've become, and seen how good I am with computers and other things, but he passed that chance up. "He" decided I wasn't worth it.
Fuck him! Fuck him up his ass!
He can burn in hell for all I care, and if I'm ever there with him, I'm stoking the fire even hotter, even if I get burned more in the process.
As of this writing, I only have 2 memories of my father, both of them phone conversations. I have no recollection of ever having seen him, although I know I have. I was way too young to remember though.
I have no idea what he looks like or anything, and I can't even remember how he sounds.
I hate to ramble on like this, but tonight has been a bad father kind of night. One that makes a kid plan out devious schemes to get even...for justice to be served. For him to get his just rewards.
I don't know how to end this post. I feel a little better about it all, but I'm still furious at both him and myself. Him for the obvious, and myself for allowing these thoughts to once again enter my mind and permeate my being.
I guess I'll end it by telling you all to have a great weekend, and that I'll post again soon.
How does that sound?
posted by mindtwister at 1:01 AM
5 Comments:
I'm sorry Mindtwister.
Sometimes,parents fucking suck.
Mine did,in particular my mother so I can kind of understand how you're feeling. The rage and urge to kill part anyways.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I think all your feelings are totally normal. I'll be thinking about you and I hope you had a great weekend:)
I'm with ms. l on this. Sometimes parents do just fucking suck. There isn't anything wrong with what you feel, never apologize for that. It shows what a man you are that you haven't acted out with these rages. It takes a lot of control and a good soul not to do what you so desperately want. I know.
My mom, well I could go on here for a while, but she's dying already. From the pain and agony that she caused me and my brother. Her mother died like that too. I believe that in the end, everyone gets their just rewards. It may be shitty to think that, but I do.
MT? I want you to remember something for me, okay? I have only known you for a short while, but I see something special in you. You have a light that is growing every day and you know what? Your sperm donor father had NOTHING to do with that! Nothing! He isn't a father, he's just some guy that will never know what a wonderful person you are. It's his loss, not yours.
My love and hugs!
Sweetie.....Ms. L and Pinky are right....don't be so hard on yourself. The amazing, loving, kind, smart, witty, funny, adorable man that you are has NOTHING to do with your father.....you are so much better than he is....he is a coward and you are one of the bravest people I have ever met!
I know you want answers, as I would if I were in your situation but know this....it was nothing that you did or didn't do that made your dad abandon you and your mother.....he wasn't man enough to step up and be a father. Pinky is right that is HIS loss....he missed out on all of your childhood and getting to know such a kind and loving person.....some day he'll regret it and by then you may even have a family of your own and maybe you could give him some lessons on how to be a father!
As far as your rage is concerned, I will do whatever I can to help you overcome those feelings and urges. You are strong and together we can face anything. You have been there for me through some of my most difficult times and I will be here for you. Other people are begining to see what I've seen for over 10 years now.....you are diamond in the rough!
I love you my sweet dear man.....you are truly amazing!
ms.l - Thank you for the comment. Thanks for not thinking I'm a freak, or worse. I'm sorry you have to go through a similar experience as well.
pinky - I know the urge is sometimes so great that I feel the only way I can conquer it is just to go and do it, but I always refrain, and I'm glad I do.
I believe everyone gets what they deserve in the end. It isn't shitty to think it. I kinda hope I'm around for his end, and that I get to witness the sufferring.
Thanks for that last paragraph. I've spent so much of my life locked inside myself that I never really knew who I was until redneckgirl started to help me see me the way she sees me. I won't forget what you put here and I know that missing my entire life is not my loss, but his.
redneckgirl - Thanks you so much! I know that all that I am has nothing to do with him, and I am so glad I have someone like you standing beside me when these feelings emerge.
I hope he does end up regretting what he did. I hope he realizes that he missed out on everything I had to offer. I don't think I could or would give him lessons on how to be a father. Those things are inherited, not taught.
I agree that together you and I can overcome any obstacle thrown our way. Look at all we've been through now, and you can see that.
Falling in love with you is one of the best things ever to happen to me. I don't regret one single day of us. Even the times we had to be apart, I don't regret. I know that you'll be here with me, as I will always be there for you. I think this diamond has taken on quite a lustrous shine thanks to your polishing :)
I'm not sure how amazing I am, but I love you with all my heart and soul, and I've been in love with you for longer than I can remember. I am, and always will be yours.
Aww Sweetie,you're not a freak at all:)
I remember feeling the same way too and know how much it hurts, Be kind to yourself,everything else will fall into place.
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