Irritating Phrases

So I was on the phone yesterday with a friend of mine, and we were talking when she told me to "want in one hand, shit in the other". Now this made me want to address something that really just bugs the hell out of me. Phrases that just don't make any damn sense.

We'll start with the one previously mentioned. Who in their right mind would even think about crapping in their own hand, while waiting for a gift in the other. It doesn't make sense to me, as I know I wouldn't be the one to do it. I fact, there's no way my hand is going anywhere near my ass while in the act. This is just me, but I'm not the kind of guy to carry my shit around with me, if you get my meaning.

Let's move on to another. "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

What the hell is this supposed to mean???

If I have some cake, you better damn well believe I'm going to eat it, and even more, I'm going to enjoy it. What kind of mentally challenged person came up with that? Was it someone's psychotic mother, torturing her child endlessly with the idea that there is cake to be had, but the child cannot partake in it?

Bottom line...if I have cake, I'm eating it....with clean, shit free hands. This I can guarantee :)